Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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