I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
