is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
people are starting to question the shark bite story
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
