My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
