i just sent this text using only my big toe
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
