I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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