Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
