I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
