Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
