is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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