Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
