I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
