just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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