I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize