I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
