i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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