talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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