I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
