splinters make it hard to masturbate
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
