I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
