Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The beers last night were like the tears from god
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
