how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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