I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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