he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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