I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize