Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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