You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize