it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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