dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
