I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
