nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
