Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
