Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
