My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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