pedialite and red bull = repair kit
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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