You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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