How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
