He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
