I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
