I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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