Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he fucked my hip out of place.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
