I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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