Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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