The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
