Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
