He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
