how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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