My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize