my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Who died my cat blue again?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
