my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize