there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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