I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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