Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I came so hard my ears popped.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
