I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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