can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Less talking, more tequila
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize