I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
