went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
