Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
