i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
