On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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