just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
