I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just pee around me
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Drake has all the answers
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
